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Miles is late but can stop for pizza, while Bob witnesses an anti-vegetarian out in public.
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You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, put your left foot in, then you shake it all about. You do the Miles Pokey. Mind yourself in jail. That’s what it’s all about. Tape Gerardo. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Stakes. This is Bob. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. Hey, everybody. This is Miles. I’m Mr. Movie Mogul here. Miles Title. I’m scouting new talent. Always. Exactly. I’m always scouting new talents. Watch out. You may be the next talent I scout. Scouting a lot of new talent on TikTok. Yeah, I was going to say OnlyFans. I’m looking for the best what t-shirt, girl. In the world. I found her. Oh, no, it’s my reflection. Oh, no. Yeah. I’m at the 7-Eleven scouting young ladies to be on my new calendar because everybody needs a paper calendar. Yeah. Hey, Miles, how are you doing tonight? Other than, you know, the usual.
Mm-hmm. What are you eating or something? Yeah, I’m hungry. What are you eating? I’m eating a piece of pizza. Oh, Christ. I’m hungry. What kind of cheap-ass pizza do you have tonight? Oh, I think you know. Oh, Domino. Nope. Oh, Casey’s? Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. Casey’s is like, I think they make it with motor oil. Yeah, pretty much. It is a gas station, but as you know. We’re all out of canola oil. Can I just use motor oil in this pizza? Sure. Sure. Only use the 10W30. 10W40 is too thick. Oh, my God. Did you get a slice or did you get a whole pizza? No, it’s nice. What am I, some, what am I, Jabba the Hutt? You want to get a whole pizza at 9 o’clock? Well, I don’t know if you’re sharing it with people or I don’t know what’s going on. It’s always a party at your house, for Christ’s sake. You got strangers coming over. You got, you know. No. Your wife’s got all these friends and hangers on. It’s like. No. Yeah. No. Married a band of pranksters.
And we’ll go with that, I guess. So wait a minute. So we normally talk before the show a little bit. Yeah. I was going to be late, and then you were going to be late because of other things. I ran home, and you stopped to get a slice of pizza. Right. You’re like, I’m going to be a little bit late because I… They’re like, why? Well… this movie ran long. I, and then I, no, I, I stopped for pizza and I filled up my car and I changed my oil. So you really weren’t late. You’re just, you’re just, you know, yourself and, and you know, me first, me first. It’s kind of a gray area there. You know what I’m saying? I don’t. Yeah. I took the best shit of my life at the case. Yeah.
Not yet. I’m hoping. I was like, man, oh, man. This pizza really takes it right out of me. I took one bite and everything just slid right out my ass. My ass. You know? I mean, that’s what it sounds like. I was hungry. I’m sorry. All I had was popcorn, man. Didn’t you have any dinner? I did, but I mean, that was like three hours ago. Wow, that was, heck, I have to eat every 15 minutes or else I get problems. I like to fill up my colostomy. That’s right. I got a bunch of free bags. I’m trying to go through all of them like I win a prize. What, what, what, what, what? Remember the old camel cash? Now they got colostomy cash, and I’m going to win. I’m going to get a jacket, leather jacket. I had a friend who I actually used to live with him. He smoked, and I used to get so much free stuff from his camel cash. Yeah. Yeah. He stopped smoking. Thank goodness for him. But for a while, I get all these trinkets. He’d be like, hey, what do you want? I got all this camel cash, man.
I’ll have your Benoit beads. All right. I’ll have them. I don’t care. No, I needed to buy. I would drink all of his soda. He’d be all mad at me. Oh, great. That’s your big K addiction. He bought actual Coca-Cola. Oh, you’re tight ass. He was rich compared to me. I’m like, real Coca-Cola? Yeah. It’s probably like you, you probably stole it from work, you know, just like you, you’re like, Oh yeah, I stole it. You want an American flag? Every day in the break room, there’s just soda for the taking. I’ve heard of guys that worked at KFC back in the day where like, they’d make like all this extra chicken and put it in the buckets and throw it in a snow drift. Oh yeah. And then after work, they just like pick up all this chicken and stuff. We used to do that at McDonald’s. I worked at McDonald’s and, uh,
On the weekends, you’d make a bunch of food that would, at the end of the night, and then it’s all going to get thrown away. So you count it and put it on the log, but then you would just bag it all up and take it to a party. Why not? Who cares? We would have literally a giant bag of French fries. The biggest bag you could get at McDonald’s is just full of French fries. I think my brother and his friends stole a lot of those pull-off tab things. free food stuff. Oh yeah. Oh gosh. Yes. Because he worked there for a little while. Yeah. McDonald’s is great. Now, uh, my, my friend who smoked the camel cash, he worked at burger King. Yeah. And, uh, him and another guy that worked there pulled up a heist where they stole a whole box full of hamburgers. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. That’s a heist. That was a big heist.
I never did that. I would, you know, have extra food, but I didn’t do the whole, whole, I mean, a whole box of hamburgers is like, shit, there’s probably a hundred hamburgers in there. Swear to God. I just walk around in the back room with my whitey tighties. I did wash my clothes while I was there. And then I get a little indecent in the bathroom with the, you know, those are two separate incidents. Thank you. So, speaking of pizza, it was yesterday. Yeah, yesterday I went and I got some of my favorite pizza. It’s not super close to my house. I have to drive a ways to get it. Sbarro. Yeah, we got some Sbarro. And so I go… My wife drove me because she drives much faster than I do. I know she does. My job was to go get the pizza and bring it back out to the car. Her job was to get us back as fast as possible. I go in to get the pizza. We’re a little off time, a little early. I go in and there’s this
poor disabled guy at the counter. Yeah. And I mean, he’s, he’s obviously, uh, disabled because he’s, he’s, you know, he’s got, uh, cerebral palsy or something, but he’s still walking. He’s not in a wheelchair or anything. And he’s, he’s there with, I believe was his mother. So this is guys probably in his forties maybe. Sure. And his mom is like in his seventies or something. Yeah. And, uh, They’re ahead of me, and they’re trying to place their order. Sure. And so she’s like, you know, honey, what do you want? And he’s like, I want the lasagna. Yeah. She’s like, okay, are you sure? Yeah. Okay. So she gets him squared away, and he’s just standing there. And his mom’s like, well, you know, trying to decide what she wants to get. Yeah.
and they have this really great salad bar there, but we, I was getting pizza to go. Sure. But anyway, so she’s like, well, you know, how much is the salad or some question or whatever? And the lady like tells her, you know what it is. Okay. I think I’ll have a salad. I don’t want a salad. She’s like, honey, no, I’m getting a salad. I don’t want a salad. she’s like no no i’m i’m getting a salad i’m trying to tell you i don’t want a salad you know i didn’t want to laugh at this uh Because I didn’t like the setup, the way it was going. I’m just being honest. I’m not making fun of the guy. No, I know. But I really thought, I’m not going to laugh at this. It’s not funny. I’m not going to laugh. Even the lady behind the counter is like, no, the salad’s for her. I don’t want a salad. Then you butt in. Sure you do. No, no. I’m a very patient person. You know what I mean?
Are you laughing? Like, no, I was like, I was like, I just, I’m just here to pick up some pizza, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, I’m picking up a salad as well, but you can stick that salad. I don’t want a salad. She’s like, no, it’s for me. It’s for me. He goes, I know, but I don’t want a salad. And this goes off like five. I am at this point. I am getting angry. Who’s on first? I want to step up there. I’m like, buddy, you’re not getting a salad. I don’t even care if you want a salad. You’re never getting a salad. And then my wife, Jackie Stewart’s out in the car revving the engine, honking the horn. Where the fuck are you with my pizza? Yeah, so…
So I finally, he finally relents. I don’t know if he ever understood it, but he finally relents. And I guess he just was, you know, I guess I’m going to have a salad. Yeah. You know, I don’t know what was going on in his mind, but yeah, he, uh, and so I get up there and I get my, uh, pizzas and then I go, yeah, don’t forget. I have a salad. Just, just for the, uh, just for the lady behind the counter. You know, it was like, if this guy was, you know, physically capable, I think he would have been like choking somebody. He was so angry about the salad. Your wife walks in, she goes, I don’t want a fucking salad. That’s right. It’s not for you for. So, yeah. So it was just like, you know, I’m like, this is bizarre. I’m like, yeah. Yeah. Uh,
And normally, I mean, you know, there’s always this is a it’s a family place. It’s not a big chain or anything. It’s not. Yeah. Yeah. You know, this is like there’s not a bunch of them or anything like that. And so I’m very patient because there’s a lot of old people that go to this, you know, myself included, because it’s good. It’s not cheap. It’s not Casey’s cheap. I can tell you that. But right. Oh, sure. It’s really good. And the salad’s not so bad either. Well, I don’t know. I don’t think it’s any good. Yeah. Apparently. Apparently. Not everyone’s a fan. Yeah. Big salad fan. Salad bar fan. I love the salad. I’ll tell you why I love that. We didn’t eat it. We took it home. But I love the salad bar because they actually have radishes on the salad bar.
Oh, yeah. You don’t ever get that anywhere, right? You love that. I love radishes. Whenever we eat there, I mean, I clean them out of radishes. Holy cow. Holy wah. I’m like, yeah, these radishes are good. Yeah. But yeah, good place. But yeah, I’m just like, you know, it had to take at least 10 minutes. I swear I should have timed it. For this whole salad interaction to take place. This poor old lady, you know, trying to deal with this. It’s like, oh. God bless her. Yeah. He’s got it stuck in his face. Want some? I’m getting a salad, Jimmy, you son of a bitch. What, what, what, what, what, what? Look about. Look, look, look, look at the salad. Yeah. look here, it’s a whole big salad. Bingo’s going to have this. It has cheese. Fucking radishes. But immaterial, the pizza was fantastic, and the salad was pretty good. It was not the best, but it was good enough. Good enough for you, the other abled. It’s good for the other abled. The other abled, yeah, exactly. The completely abled. Yeah.
So, but yeah, I’m just like, I’m like, buddy. Yeah. I’ll tell you right now, buddy, you’re not getting no fucking salad. Go sit down. You don’t deserve it. God damn it. I’m just here. So we bet we were eating. So tonight I was extremely rude and we got Mexican food because my daughter was visiting and I just ran in there and I was like a door dash guy. I just grabbed that bag and ran. Well, you got to pay for that, sir. I think it was already paid for. I was told it’s already paid for and there’s no salad. So, yeah, I was not going to stand in line for five minutes for these other people. I just had my name on it and I just took it and ran. Are you done with your slice now? Have you finished your slice? Yeah, I was done a long time ago. I showed it to my dog. Did you get a pepperoni?
yeah i did oh i shared it with my dogs they liked it oh did you oh they’re hungry tonight about uh three in the morning oh i think i say all three of us gonna have to take a at the same time. At some point in the middle of the night, something’s coming out of somebody’s orifice. uh he says i’m already up at that time peeing anyway so yeah so it’s not gonna be too much yeah all good it won’t be too much of a stretch you know i was like yeah so what’s going on with you uh you know i couldn’t remember my a story something’s going steve yeah i’m gonna go with my b story here your b story okay yeah yeah one of these little short stories here but otherwise um huh i don’t want a salad
Oh, so i wanted to sell it, right? And these kids were afraid, no. And, uh, no, I was, uh, you know, I was at work at the auto parts store, working the counters i like to do. And, uh, yeah, my boss is always, you know, way in the back. He’s got some office, like, you know, down the ways there, you know, the little office and stuff. Yeah. And he kind of got this inner crew of people that just walk back there. Like they don’t even ask permission or don’t like, don’t tell them i’m here. I’m just coming back there yeah you know All right. You know, regular. Yeah. He, he denies he has an inner crew of people, but he does, you know? Okay. Gotcha. Yeah. And you know, I always thought there’s a, he doesn’t, he’s not like a big gambler or anything, is he? No, not really. He’s just, you know, he likes racing and, you know, bullshit. Oh, okay. I don’t know. Cars, motorcycles and whatever. You name it. Okay. Your heads, you know, uh,
So one of these guys comes in and I go, hey, what’s going on, TJ? What’s going on? Hey, Miles, how are you doing? I’m like, oh, yeah, I’m all right. Is TJ like Elvis Presley hidden in the middle of the heartland? Make way for criminal crime. Don’t call me EP. Call me TJ, all right? TJ. As far as you know, it’s TJ. You call me TKB. or tcb yeah tcb yeah yeah yeah he’s got the mullet, the hat on backwards, you know, like the jean jacket, you know, the camel’s jean jacket. I’m like, all right tj smiles hey miles how’s it going man how’s it hanging pretty good okay i’m gonna go see the boss, man. I’ll see you later. Good rock Miles. eating butter for pay man and
All right. So, uh, you know, I work in and, uh, trying to fill out some paperwork and they’re, you know, I can hear them back there laughing and whatever else. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, so I can hear it’s kind of wrapping up like, Oh, we’ll go do that thing. Well, okay. And, uh, so I can hear TJ coming back, you know, Uh, from the back room there and you know you ever you know you’re working, sometimes you’re trying to, you know, be in the zone and work on some paperwork and you, you sometimes hear something, but you’re not sure what you hear. And then it gets confirmed. So as it gets closer, I hear. What do you hear? What was he ripped it? Oh,
You know, like part of my brain, I didn’t look up, but I’m like, part of my brain is like, did this guy just rip ass? What the fuck? And I kind of, I look up and he’s like right by me and he’s smiling, laughing his ass off. I go, what the fuck? He crop dusted you. He goes, hey, hey Miles, the ducks are flying low this year. I’m like, oh, you just ripped ass like in the freaking… showroom, you know? I mean, just literally rips ass right in front of me. I’m like, God damn it, man. What the… You know, I don’t go in your place to work wherever he… I assume he works somewhere, but… I got the justice problems, Miles. Leave me alone. I got the piles, man. I got the piles going on. Yeah. Better out than in, I always say. Oh, man. Miles. Oh, is that peanut butter and
Banana sandwich I have. We can go on together. All night with you. In the far heart. And his mama cries. There’s one thing she don’t need. It’s another. A gassy Christmas without you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I can’t believe it. This guy really just farted right out there in front of everybody. He ripped his ass off. Where was the mail lady at? Oh, come on now. Come on. She always gets tangled up in all this stuff. I’ve been behaving myself with the post office ladies that deliver, you know? Okay. I, as much as I want to engage, sometimes I just don’t. Honey, he’s delivering more than you today. Yeah. I was like, Hey, you know, I think you’re like, you know, like privately, like you’re being a little creepy with the postal ladies, man. They enjoy it. Priority service right there. Priority weirdo. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I guess it’s nice. He felt comfortable, uh,
Yeah, I guess. Uh, let it loose. Let it fly. I’m like, Hey, we’re not dating, man. All right. We don’t know each other that well. My friend, you know i’m saying like do not rip ass in my place of work. All right. Well, I mean, your boss is probably like you take that outside. Hey man. Hey, you know i’m gonna fart wherever i want to fart, man. You want to help but i can’t help it a whole whole home I’m just glad it didn’t stink. I swear to God, this guy is just… Older than me. He’s older than you. Okay. I think he’s slightly older than you. Oh, only slightly. I see. He’s way older than you, but only slightly older than me. I see how that works. You know how it goes. No, I don’t know. I see how that works. Yeah.
I think he’s early 60s, I think. I don’t know. Well, maybe he can’t hold it in anymore. I think he can. I think he just thought he’d be a dick and fucking rip ass. I’m caught in a trap. I can’t walk out. No, I mean, I can’t walk out. I guess you’d be glad he didn’t have the walking farts. Yeah, I’m glad he didn’t shart or something. Oh, hey, Miles. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Blue Christmas in my pants. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Got any of those dude wipes in here, Miles? Hey. Dude wipes. I need a couple of dude wipes. You look like a man that has some dude wipes. As a matter of fact. What do you got in that drawer? What do you got in that drawer? Don’t open that drawer. I’m guessing you got…
Big thing of dude wipes on his supplies. Oh my gosh. Are you a back to front guy or a front to back guy? You know how I roll, Miles. Get a little mud on your balls. What are we talking about here? You’re weird, man. Dude, you got some… Stop. You’re the one cracking up. What? You’re the one cracking up. Jeez Louise. God. This guy’s fucking… Oh my God. The dude wipes get me. I can’t believe it. The dude wipes, yeah. I’ll have to keep the surplus for the delivery. Have you ever used the dude wipe? I have never used the dude wipe. Now… I figured if anybody I know has used a dude wipe, it would be you. I probably should, but no, I don’t. I have a feeling somebody’s Christmas gift will be on its way. Ever since I cut back on soda and fast food, my BMs are not as what they used to be. Oh, well, that’s fantastic. Yeah. Yeah, but Casey’s Pizza, come on.
That’s probably not going to help. Yeah, you’re right. Oh, boy. When the levee breaks, mama, you know where to go. I wonder if dude wipes come in a pink package. If they are, hey, dude wipes sponsoring Static Radio. Yeah, well, no, I mean, because you always get everything in the color pink, and so I was… What do you mean by that? Well, I got you a pink nose hair trimmer. I lost that, yeah. Oh, my. Yeah, it’s such an ass. I found my green one, though. I do use that sometimes. And you had a pink phone and you had a pink camera. So. All right. Well, that was my wife’s camera, first of all. Okay. So don’t be hating. All right. I’m not hating. I’m just saying you seem to like the color pink. Oh, no. The phone. Yeah, that was my wife’s hand-me-down phone I had. Yeah, I did have a pink one. Yeah, I’m just saying. So I wonder if they got pink tube wipes. No one wants to steal it, you know. Whatever.
Well, probably because it’s hand-me-down and not because it’s pink. Oh, it’s a pink flip phone there, Miles. What are you? What are you? You look like Gay Kirk from that other universe. Hold on. Hold on. You remember whenever they had the beards and the mustaches that one time? Well, pink phone, that gives you Gay Kirk. Yeah, I was thinking back, you know, I… My mom and dad had a friend a long time ago. The guy’s been dead forever, but he kind of sounded like Elvis now that I think about it. Hey, Miles, how are you doing over there? Where’s your papa at there, dude wipes? Miles, come here. Talk to Mr. Nichols. Miles. Come talk to Mr. Nichols. You look like you could have a million-dollar idea taking baby wipes and making them bigger for men.
more absorbent. Yeah, a little thicker, a little bigger. Although, you know, I don’t know if you’ve ever, well, you changed your children, I think, at least once. A baby can really have, it has a lot of output. Yeah, a diaper can hold a lot if you just don’t change it. Yeah, those baby wipes are pretty good at getting a lot of No, I don’t know. My kids would have a wet diaper, and I’d use 20 wet wipes for a wet diaper. I didn’t know what that was. Basically, they changed themselves because you let the diaper get to a full, then it just fell off, and then you’re like, oh, shit. Hold on. I’ve got to turn off my lifestyle. I’ve got to turn off my Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous and change this kid to that burger.
That’s right. Champagne wishes and dude wipe dreams. That’s me. I’m rich, bitch, baby. I got me some dude wipes. Dino wipes.