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Bob has some stomach issues, while Miles gets pulled into the world of free isn’t always free.
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i’ll thank you that someday the mountain might get them, but the law never would. Making their way the only way they know how. That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow. Hey, everybody. Welcome to State Shows. This is Bob. We won’t get booed. I think I lost you already. You said something and then I can’t hear you. Oh, there you are. Okay. You said something, but I couldn’t even understand what it was. That’s all right. All right. Okay. It was in code. Only certain people can understand it. Yeah. I’ve just triggered four sleeper networks. All my fembots have come to life. The woods are lovely, dark and deep. All of these young ladies working at different hairstylists are now under my control. You ever see that telephone with Gerald Bronson? Yeah. I did, I think.
Oh my goodness. How are you doing tonight, Miles? Did you fall asleep during that movie too? I did not. I don’t think so. I did not. I fell asleep. I’ll tell you what I fell asleep under. A blanket. I tried to watch this movie called The Painter, which was supposed to be an action movie. It had one of your favorite actors in it. jason Statham? I do like a good jason statham movie. It was not him. It was everybody’s talking at me. I can’t hear a word they’re saying. And, uh, he was, you know, gonna get books in exchange for some things. Joe Buck. Um, okay. How many more hints do i have to give you? Yeah, okay. John Voight. John Voight, yeah, I got it. It’s a newer John Voight movie, obviously made overseas, I think. Okay. He was not the… I mean, he was one of the main actors, but there was another guy who was kind of the action guy. It was just… I don’t know. It was so boring, I fell asleep in it. Okay.
And it was like number eight on the Paramount streaming top ten movies for the moment or something. And you fell asleep. And I just conked right out. It was like watching paint dry. The painter was definitely a good name for it. Yeah. Because it was just like watching paint dry. And then I conked out. I went to sleep. And then I woke up. And then John Voight was playing a Frenchman. And I’m like, what happened? like a, um, homeless peppy lepew oh yeah anyway that john voight’s best, you know, it’s certainly very far from uh yeah you know, his days is joe buck and yeah. Or any, any of his good movies deliverance National Treasure. None of them, you know. Runaway Twain? No, nothing. I mean, this obviously was a paycheck movie. Yeah. It was just not a good movie. Don’t watch it. Unless you want to have a good nap. We won’t. Unless you really want a really good nap.
I’m very choosy about my movies. I really don’t like a slow starting movie. All of my recommendations come from MrSkin.com. Well, not all of them. Not all of my recommendations. Only a good portion. That’s all. Some of them. Some of them. Yeah. So… That’s not all that happened to me recently. So you know I’ve been trying to be the Charles Nelson Riley of podcasting for a couple of years. You are. You’re not trying to do it. You are. I am. Okay. Well, I appreciate your backing me on this. So it’s been two years now that I’ve kind of been ingratiating myself on other places. And I have a couple of stories about that. So I was recording with a group and it went really well. But kind of toward the end, I had like some really bad stomach cramps. What were you talking about? I’m trying to remember.
but I mean, I had like a lot of gas building up at the end. It was like, I really wanted to wrap, you know, there’s no, if you’re the guest, there’s no real good way to wrap it up. You know, it’s kind of the other people to wrap it up. And so like my belly was getting very full of this bad farts. Yeah. And I was like in distress and, What are you talking about, Sasquatch? I mean, what are you talking about? No, I wasn’t talking about Sasquatch. I’m trying to remember the topic area now, to be honest with you. Well, I mean, if you’re going to bring us into your world, I mean, you can’t just stop there. I think it was about fairies, honestly. I think it was about fairies. Well… I mean the magical kind. Yeah, well, yeah. There are some magical ones. There are some magical ones. I feel like it was…
my stomach was just like, it started going crazy and i was like, oh no, this is really bad news because uh i’ve never even farted on this show. I think you have several times, but i have not. Yeah, so what well i know well we haven’t been recording, but there’s been more than on one occasion where you talk to me from, you know, the home office there all right and and sometimes you’re sitting, and sometimes you’re standing all right and uh it’s really, I don’t, that’s, I don’t like that, but, uh, yeah, i never farted while i was, uh, being recorded. And so i didn’t want it to happen. And so i was really holding, holding it back, holding it back. Just hit the mute button, mute yourself. Well, I could have done that, but i was really engaged in this fairy talk.
And I didn’t give myself any openings to release, you know, to open my spit valve or whatever. How would you say? My spit valve? I was trying to think of a good reason for having to fart. Oh, your fart box? Well, no, I was trying to be, you know, masculine a little bit. So anyway, I went a little longer and then I got done and then I couldn’t fart. Oh, the worst. Yeah. And so then I’m just like all bloated and feeling terrible. And then I ran into the bathroom. This was at night. And so then my wife is like, what the hell are you doing? And, you know, I’m like, I gotta go. I mean, I better not chance it. Yeah. This is like, you know, some kind of fermented alcohol or something. Yeah. And I just let loose. And I had probably one of the biggest bowel movements at 11 o’clock I’ve ever had in my life. Wow. Yeah. It was bad. Jeez. You got to be okay. Yeah, I’m fine. You’re going to be okay.
I took a picture of it. I just wanted to tell you that it was somewhat painful. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, so this isn’t easy, folks. You’ve got to hang in there, even with, you know, even with a major gas back up there. Let’s talk about the wee fairies, shall we, Bob? Okay, hold on. Hold on a minute. I think I got a fairy coming out my butt. I got a honk, a brown snake out. Hold on. I, but it was, I was in pain. I was like, I was like, you know, I was like, you know, masking the pain. Yeah. So I don’t know. I’ve never had that. I mean, I mean, Are you going to be okay? I don’t know. I think I’ll be fine. But I really don’t like to poop out of time. So it was really disconcerting to me. Poop out of time. I am really quite a scheduled person. Oh, okay. All right. I know you’re not. I know you would just, you know, you just like, I need a break from life for a moment. I’ll go take a shit. That’s you. Yeah.
You’re like, oh, this is too much. By the way, I got irritable bowel, folks, so I got to go take it. I have a very active system, so really not even like a choice at this point. Yeah, somebody would say an overactive system, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I’m very regimented, and so this was way off course, way off course. I’ve been trying to pinpoint, like, you know, because I do. Are you going to? Mm-hmm. are you gonna do like animals before the show now? So you’re like No, I’m not. I don’t think i’m going to do that. I don’t think i’ve gone to that level. You’re not gonna be like the coffee? It was really quiet way and then my wife’s worried about me because this is so totally unusual you know she never poops after 10. I just don’t know what’s wrong with them. I don’t poop after like six what are you talking about? Oh.
Give me a break. I’m telling you. I used to be more regimented. Actually, I’m very loose right now compared to before. I think this guy’s got an Excel worksheet going. I used to. I used to really be on a really tight schedule. I was on a ski vacation as a young man, and I actually won the contest of who pooped on the most occasions. I, that’s not surprising whatsoever. And I beat three other people that were with me, so. Yeah, who were all. Hands down. Overeaters. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hands down. I won that. Hands down. They’re like constant greasy food and you still. Yeah. Excuse me, guys. Yeah. They’re like, you know, bottles of castor oil or something, trying to get things through their system.
I don’t think they committed. I mean, you got to want it. You know what I’m saying? Yeah. Well, I know you, you, there’s some affinity for the bathroom with you. You really do. It’s like your safe place. I mean, uh, I can’t run a marathon though, but man, you give me like an, uh, like who can poop on the most occasions. I’ll, I’ll get you. I’ll come. I’ll come, man. I will. Oh my goodness. Was there some kind of, You were invited to either use your nose or sight if you were interested in proving it to others. I’m assuming that most people use their nose. Yeah. Yeah. No one came in and actually saw it. Oh, thank God. I actually have a picture of a friend charting. I think we had like a paper plate up on the wall. A paper. How apropos. And…
I will black out his face, but yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah. I will post this picture. Send it to me. It’ll be the show. I will. All right. I’ll make sure that he doesn’t have… You don’t disclose his person. I won’t disclose… You don’t like this person, but let’s just leave it at that. Who of your friends do I like? No, I mean, you really… Oh, it’s that guy. Yeah, that guy. Yeah. Okay. That’s all you need to know. Yeah. Oh, my God. That guy. Yeah. Yeah. Just leave it at that. Okay. We’re divorced now. So, yeah. Well, he deserved to be. He was like in an abusive relationship with everyone he knew, including himself. Pretty much. Yeah. I, yeah, I have not seen this guy. Total ass. I have not seen this gentleman in years. Maybe I will just let his picture go out there and say, no, no, no, no, I don’t need that, man. Come on. Okay. I’ll keep his anonymity. Just send me the picture. Like, I’m not going to put a classmate’s picture up just so people can laugh at his face. You don’t think.
Like the guy pictured on there. Yeah, I was going to say, you’re kind of using this picture right now. That’s not even me. That’s the funny part. It’s a classic. Yeah, I know. Everybody thinks it’s you, but it’s somebody else. I don’t even know if this guy’s alive or not. Yeah, I was going to say, he probably is. The guy in the picture, man, I don’t know. He was pretty weird, man. It’s tough being the guest, especially when you have a little gurgly. Rumbly tummy, as Winnie the Pooh would say. Oh, I was afraid to give you the tinglys. Got a rumbly in my tummy. I got the tinglys in my belly. Yeah. So, yeah, that was, yeah. If I had a record of not going to the bathroom after 9 o’clock, I just defeated it. Yeah. I can’t remember the last time. Yeah.
I was sick probably the last time that happened. Yeah. Like with a virus of some kind. This time I didn’t. I must have eaten something. I don’t know. Yeah. I don’t have a huge varied diet like you do where you’re eating beef stroganoff every other day or something. I don’t know. I don’t know. No. No, you’re naming off everything I wouldn’t eat. Meatballs. Yeah, I’ll have me a good meatball. I don’t need any of that, but anyway. Well, I’m very regulated. So anyway, I’m just telling you I’m suffering to do these things. I hope you’re okay, man. I know you pride yourself on doing these shows. You could care less. A conversation with Jethro Modine. Yeah, I’d love to talk to Jethro Modine. Max Bear Jr. Max Bear Jr., tell me, when you made Macon County Lime, were you of the right mind? Did you have to poop? Did you have to poop so bad in Macon County? I just pooped after six. I don’t know. In that county, they only had outhouses, I recall, back in the 70s.
Honey, check me out. I just pooped after six. What? Get the mag light, honey. I pooped after six. I want you to check me out. All right, Bob. Whatever you say. I swear to God, I’m going to get hemorrhoids. I’m going to get the dishwashing rubber gloves out. Hold on. Wait a minute. Got to get the car up to bidet. Let me get out the ice tongs here. I got a speculum here, Bob. Oh, my God. What’s up with you? Nothing about me. What’s up with you? Oh, my God. I cracked myself up. Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. You’re cracking yourself up. I’m glad no one listens to this show anyway. So, um, so a couple of weeks ago I get this thing, uh, my bank and it’s like, um, Hey miles, uh, we would like to reward you with free tickets to a basketball game.
Oh, yeah, the old free basketball game scam. I’m like, oh, what’s this? You’re like, how far away am I from the cheerleaders? Yeah, it’s because I like boobies. I’m like, this is total bullshit. I know it. You got to go through these screens. What’s your age? What’s your ethnicity? Yeah. and uh you know, things like that. Right, right. How much do you make every year? Yeah. Do you like Pogo? You know? And, um, I’m like, all right, this is bullshit. Yeah. Uh-huh. And, uh, so i got through all this crap and all of a sudden i was like, okay, there you go. Four tickets to, you know, there’s such and such game. I’m like, oh, maybe this isn’t bullshit. electronic tickets. They just give you. Yes. What’s your mother’s maiden name? What’s your social security number? Yeah. And it’s like, you can either keep them or try to resell them well no i’m not gonna resell them. I mean, you know, road trip a little bit, you know? Um, so I, my younger son wanted to go and unfortunately, uh, everyone else kind of had to work and do stuff and was busy, which is fine. Right. Yeah.
I’m like, well, darn it. These suckers are going to miss out on a great time. And I can lay across two seats. Yeah. I don’t have to suck it in, you know? I can like, all right. So, uh, so it was in Des Moines and, uh, uh, we got there, no problem. And, uh, We parked. No problem. I’m like, man, this is going so smoothly. We’re here early. No problem. No problem. This is too good to be true. You know me. I’m always late. My phone is out of battery, so we can’t get to the ticket. No, it’s all perfect. It’s like, my God, this is so good. It was a little chilly out. My son’s like, should I bring my jacket? I’m like, no, don’t be a pussy, man. Come on. No.
Not realizing we had like four blocks to walk. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah, it’s like under 20 degrees out. Not warm yet. I mean, it’s warmer, but not warm. It’s always like T-shirt and jeans. I’m like, okay, well, whatever. And not realizing that this walk, it’s a little deceptive because it’s literally like uphill. Uh-oh. The closer you get, the more steep this thing starts getting. I’ve worked more for these four tickets than anything else in my life. I know. I’m like, fuck, man. I’m like huffing and puffing. I feel like I’m climbing up Monk’s Mound down by St. Louis there. I’m just like, geez. Monk’s Mound, yeah. The largest mound in the Native American community. Thank you. Thank you, Wikipedia. And, uh, so, uh, we get there and the lady’s checking us in she’s like, oh, well you haven’t completed the whole download thing. You had to put them like in a wallet or something i’m like oh yeah, they always get you with a wallet. So I throw it at my son. I’m like, you figure it out. He’s like, okay, hold on. You’re like, you’re chilly willy Yeah. And, uh, so we get up there and, uh,
There, uh, there’s some young ladies, some cheerleaders there waiting to greet me, of course. And I’m like, Hey, let’s get a picture, you know, let’s, uh, bring it in for your old uncle. Let’s commemorate this momentous. Yeah. Yeah. Like, uh, I was like, and I con this old man to like some old fart works there, you know, like, Hey, old fart, take our picture. Well, yeah. And he’s like, well, where was your son at this point? Oh, he was. 50 yards away. He wanted nothing to do with being smart. He’s classy. I’m not. He’s like, no. I’m classy. I’m like, all right. F you, man. I’m doing it. I can’t pass up this opportunity. I thought the old fart was snapping off a bunch of pictures. Luckily, he got it because he just snapped one. I’m like, you old dick. God damn it. What was he doing?
I don’t know. I thought he was taking a bunch of pictures. Downloading all of your personal information. Yeah, I don’t know. He was going through like, oh, the sub girls. Oh, what’s this? Look at that. Let’s do some. His mom’s hot. And so I’m like, all right. And, you know, we get a little bit to eat and stuff like that. Yeah. So these free tickets cost you. Well, we had to get a motel room, of course. Gas and food. So I’m like, you know, $500 into this thing. Right, I was going to say. Plus, I had to miss some work, too. And my son’s like, well, here. Wait a minute. You missed work for this? Well, the game started at 630. I mean, I had some travel and stuff. I mean, you know, I don’t live in Des Moines.
Yeah, I know you don’t live in Des Moines, but I thought maybe you just, you know, blood-footed it up there. No, come on. You missed… The things you’ll do, the stupid things that you do for this, and then other times I’m like, hey, you know, we can go do this. It was free. I can’t take the time. I can’t take the time. You understand? They lured me in when they said it was free, okay? I… I thought… Okay. You buy all your food when I’m with you. So I know, I just thought, well, maybe, you know, center court, you know, I’ll be by all cheerleaders and all this. I’ve got all this, you know, free food in my head. I’m like, man, this, I know it. I know it. This bank would not cheap out like this, you know? And, uh, we go up there and I realized like our seats are at the very fucking top. Yeah.
I mean, you cannot sit any higher than what we were. We were the top row. I can’t believe I got rid of these tickets to some chump. Yeah. He’s going to drive and get a hotel. We sold a hotel. We sold food. We sold picture with the cheerleaders. And like, we get up, there’s like half a dozen people there in that area, roughly. And they all got like sticks and rocks and they’re trying to live. Yeah, and I’m like, did you guys get free tickets from, you know, Yoohoo Bank? Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m like, oh, yeah, we all got effed on this deal, huh? And I mean, this whole place is not even a quarter full, I’d say. Not even a quarter full. Who was playing? It was like a farm team for like the Minnesota Timberwolves. Okay. Kind of a G League. And who else?
The Osceola Magic. Okay. Oh, my gosh. And so, yeah, so we did that. Nobody paid for seats at this game is what you’re telling me. Yeah, I think everyone just got free tickets. Hey, you know, it’s something good you could do for your customers. Give them free tickets to this. So my bubble got burst immediately because I’m like, oh, well, so much for, you know. Exclusivity, and, uh You know, I thought maybe it would be in a box, you know, or something cool, or Yeah, I’m like, no. No. I can’t believe you you’re such a nut, I swear. I see free, I go nuts okay i i was just trying this way okay you goodness i’m telling you, I go nuts, I see something free i’m like no come on i’d be like no thanks i’m not living that house. I’m like, who in the hell could try to even
try to resell these tickets i mean who the hell would want exactly what i’m saying nobody would want them i mean i i didn’t show you all the parking garage that you paid to park at the one that gave you those tickets he’s like yeah no he only hit me up for five bucks. I couldn’t believe it. I’m like, wow, really? He’s like, yes five bucks. It’s zero or five. So there you go. I’ll take five. All right. Exactly. He took five. I mean, he ate better than you did at the end of the night, I can tell you that. So we ducked out about halftime, and we went to have some barbecue across the street. You didn’t even stay for the whole game? No. I mean, at that point, our bubbles were reversed. I wonder why he doesn’t let you run off on your own very much. No, we went out to eat, had some barbecue, and, you know, you’re not the only one I could see getting nice restaurants, Bob. Sorry. What do you mean?
what I thought was a complete dick move though. We were there. Didn’t send me the picture of the barbecue. I don’t do that. Come on. Come on. Only you do that. And, uh, no, I thought it was complete dick move though. Like they had seated like this big family of like 10, you know, and you guys were in the middle. No, no, no, no, no. They were like the other side of the restaurant there, which is fine. I’m like, well, we’re getting ready to leave. And like literally two minutes later, like, The family of four shows up like mom, dad, two little kids. And they’re like, oh, we’re sorry. We’re closed. Sorry. Oh, really? I’m like, that’s a dick move. I like these guys got like little kids and stuff like, nope. Sorry. I’ll get out. Get the F out. I’m like, what about Jesus? I don’t know. I still have limits. You got to set limits. I guess I was like, nope. Sorry. I mean, you got your free barbecue and so you should be happy. Well, I ain’t no free barbecue. Come on. I mean, that was part of the package.
No, my package ended minutes ago. Yeah. So you got free tickets, drove all the way there, got a hotel, all this expense, and then didn’t even stay for the whole game. You don’t even know who won. You don’t even know who was playing. They lost. They lost. They lost. You don’t even know if it was Osceola Magic versus the… You don’t even know if it was the name of the Timberwolves Farm League. Wolves. It’s Iowa Wolves. Oh, he didn’t say that. I didn’t send you all my pictures, so that’s why. Okay. And so we went back to the hotel and this and that. You know, you stay at a lot of hotels. I know that. I do, unfortunately. I have, yeah. This is the conclusion of the shitty story. But, you know, you get these continental breakfasts in the morning. Right, yeah. Okay, all right.
like these rooms are way too small. Like it’s like, it’s like full of like fucking tables and seats or like, it’s way too you know, cramped, you know, you go to these places. Yeah. You’re knocking all the salt shakers off with your giant belly. Yeah. Right. You know, you’re like, everyone’s in your way. because there’s like chairs up their ass like jesus you can’t move. And every time you walk by, people go and i you know, my, My son says I’m an asshole. I don’t try to be an asshole. It just turns out that way, you know, I, I shut up. So there wasn’t a lot of variety, but I’m like, Oh, scrambled eggs. Okay. All right. And, uh, biscuits and gravy, which I just started eating recently. I’m like, okay. Probably shouldn’t even be on your menu, but okay. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, all you need is biscuits and gravy. Holy shit. Yeah.
Well, so I started eating it and everything is like lukewarm, like barely warm. I’m like, this tastes like shit. It was free. Well, yeah, it’s built into the price. Oh, now all of a sudden you wise up to the free thing. Oh, it’s built into the price. So my son’s there making his own waffle. And all I said was stay away from the biscuits and gravy. That’s all I said. And like right behind me was the lady who tends to the food. She side eyes me like, Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Afterwards, my son’s like, yeah, dad, you said that it’s just as loud as you could. He goes, no, everyone heard you in there. I’m like, no, they didn’t. I just said, stay away from the biscuits and gravy. That’s all I said.
So you’re an asshole. Gravy’s made from horse. Oh, my God. Hard biscuit. Hard. That’s what the gravy’s for. Yeah, well, the gravy didn’t loosen it up. I’m telling you right now. Oh, my God. You have to get yourself over this free stuff. God. I was bad like the hostess. I kind of was goofing on her food. Right there. Just like… I cut open that bag at 6.30 this morning, you fucker. I go, no, what if you had like an allergy to biscuits? And I was trying to warn you, like, hey, stay away from those biscuits. That’s what I meant. The kid’s heating up a giant Belgian waffle. I don’t think he’s got any allergy to biscuits. It’s like a waffle that’s bigger than your head. So, yeah. Dad, I can’t have any gluten.
he’s got like a fucking frisbee full of gluten he’s heating up right now. Yeah. And so we so we we left you know, that, that was the end. We left. like oh man, my bad drive back? Did you go right? But didn’t do anything else in town we did well yeah no we did yeah we well i’m gonna stretch out the show about another half an hour if i even go in there. Okay. Yeah. Gotcha. But, I just want to say one last thing is like, Oh man, my bed was a little soft last night. We got our own beds, you know, he goes, he’s like, yeah, dad, you must’ve got the bang bed. I’m like, Oh, I don’t want to know this. Oh my gosh. He’s like, well, it wasn’t that last night. It was the mandatory bed. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, gross, gross. It’s, it’s,
It was like sleeping in biscuits and gravy. It’s so soft. Stay away.