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Bob seems to be at a loss, while Miles listens to his family’s odd exams.
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if you bake it at the right place it’ll make noise Hey, everybody. Welcome to Static. This is Bob. Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. Welcome to Static. We’re on the air. We’re on the air. We’re on the air everywhere. We’re on the air to who knows where. When you get three together in a car… You never know what hijinks will happen. Ouch, get off my balls. Fraternity vacation. That’s like the 80s movie announcer guy. Okay. Don’t you remember that voice? She just wanted to play football, but they wouldn’t let her. Now she’s just one of the guys. No, you don’t remember this? No, I like the other guy. In a world where… In a world. Yeah. In a world. I can’t do that voice as well, though. I can do the kooky, you know, these are the girls of hot. It was a private school. Terry Vane. Miles was trying to…
peek in the windows, and they caught him in the act. I would not condone that. Oh, please, yes. It’s filthy and disgusting. I think I should do a tutorial of your creepy stand-by-the-bathroom move that you used to do all the time. You think? Yeah, where you have your hands in your… pockets sticking your crotch out standing by the woman’s bathroom that’s me that’s right when i rubbed up against you don’t don’t you want me yeah yeah You don’t want to talk about those days, huh? I really don’t even know what you’re referring to. Oh, come on. Indulge in that. Talk about retconning your past. I mean, you’ve talked about it on here before, and now all of a sudden, well, you know, this is the new universe. I call it the Miles 2 universe. Yeah, I’m cleaning up my act. Yeah. What are you, up for something or a ward? Yeah, I’m just cleaning up my act, right? So what?
Yeah, okay. I’m rewriting my history. Well, I guess you’re allowed to do that. Just saying. You can do that if you want. Yeah. So do you have a story tonight? I’m trying to think of mine. I had two stories last week, and I told one, and I can’t remember what the other one was now. I have a story. Well, go right ahead, sir. I have a story. Hey, um. Is there anybody getting ladders out there? I’m going to the sorority house later tonight. That wasn’t really my story, but yeah. Oh, okay. Uh, I went to like kind of a family gathering over the weekend. And, uh, my mom and sister had gone down south for the winter and they came back and they were,
Chicago area so I could see them. I felt bad for my mom because there was really a lot of dirty talk going on. A lot of dirty talk? What kind of dirty talk was happening? It was a lot of stuff being told. Can you give me an example? My niece shared that she had actually seen my aunt’s topless on at least two occasions outside sunbathing. Oh, really? Which I found a little bit disturbing because my aunt had like 10 kids. I can’t even imagine. Her name wasn’t Bessie or anything, was it? No. What’s the name of that Borden character? I thought it was Bessie. Oh, isn’t it Bessie or something? Yeah, that’s what I thought. No, a lot of things were revealed. So, I mean, how long ago was this? Like yesterday? Well, my aunt’s been dead for a few years. Okay. It was not yesterday. Like I’ve got your lineage here in front of me and I’m looking at it. When my niece was a younger lady. Okay. Anyway.
Well, she’s trying to air out her areola. Yeah, right. And then somehow, you know, there’s always like these horrible stories about me growing up. Were you running around naked? No, no one actually knows that story. Oh, okay. I’ve only actually told you that. Oh. So there’s a horrible story of me actually driving a golf cart into the side of my dad’s car, his brand new Cadillac. As a child. Yeah, yeah. That’s a good one. These are all just random thoughts that happen, by the way. That’s the dirty talk? Well, no. Okay, we’re going to do that. Were you fondling yourself with this? No, no, no. Well, okay, I’m not really into the dirty talk, I thought. But basically, I had like… No, but I, it’s a long story, but basically i was blamed for it because i was actually driving and all that. And now my brother, my brother’s like, well, Hey, I didn’t want to tell you this, but i actually, I hit the gas. Oh, he’s the one that made you go into the car. And I just steered it in the car because i flipped out, man. I was like a little kid, you know i didn’t i didn’t even i just steered right into the car. I’m like, I was like in therapy for 10 years over that, man. Thanks a lot, really jerk. freaking
Is this the brother that pays for everything? My brother? Huh? Your brother that takes you on road trips and pays for everything? Yeah. Well, I have one brother. Well, I’m just checking. So, yeah. Okay, so let’s get the dirty talk. I didn’t even know you had a topless aunt until tonight. I didn’t know either. Yikers. Yeah, let’s go play hide and seek outside. Mm-hmm. She’s dropping her top. I know. I don’t even want to think about it. I just hang out the bottom anyway. Yeah, right. Gross. These two tops aren’t as tight as I thought. Everyone’s got some weird medical story they’re bringing up. Of course, I have all sorts. I was going to say, you’re one to talk. And, like, my brother had something wrong with him last year, and, like, he had to have, like, some kind of instrument, like, you know, stuck up his pee hole so they could look at something and he was saying how horrible that was. What were they looking for up there? He was having some issues they were looking for something. I don’t know. I, uh
I had some anal beads and I used them on the wrong end. I think they’re called bed. Oh, whatever. And, uh, so he’s talking about that. You know, this is all in front of my mom now. Right. Your mom knows about all this. Right. Then like my younger niece is talking about what she had when she was a young, well, I don’t know, in high school or something, she had to have a physical and, uh, she, uh, the doctor was a lady and, you know, she’s checking things out. She goes, well, we just to be safe, we better do a rectal on, on my niece, on your niece. Okay. Yeah. And she was like a, you know, like in high school or something. Hmm. And she’s like, what’s that? Like, she was not, yeah, she was not ready for that. You know? Yeah. I would imagine that would be a shocker. Yeah. Well, no, she didn’t get the shocker. Yeah. It was a halfway there for the shocker, but,
Okay. But so these stories are getting like more and more disturbing, you know. So what was going on with that? I mean, why would you? I don’t know. She still goes, I don’t know why she had to do that. Why would she want to do that to a girl? I don’t know. You all have the same doctor? I don’t know. No, no, no, no, no. Family doctor, Dr. McGivens. McGivens. He’s McGiven me. The rectal exam. Dr. Durfee. All right, so that’s my younger niece. And then my older niece is like, oh, I can beat that. She goes, I had to have a physical. Oh, it’s a one-upmanship. Yeah, these are getting progressively worse, right? So now my older niece is like, yeah, I had to basically get checked out because I had to have a sports physical in high school. She goes, basically, all I had on was a paper gown.
And the doctor comes up with a kind of bizarre request. He goes, I want you to get off that table, and I want you to walk around as if you were a duck. A duck? Yes. Okay. Did she have to quack? No, she didn’t have to quack, right? Everyone’s like, what in the fuck? Did he… Did he misplace an instrument and he was hoping it would fall out or what? I have no idea. No one could quite understand what that was about. I was like, I don’t know. I’ve never heard of that. Trust me. This is totally legitimate. It’s the walk like a duck diagnosis. I’m just going to call in a few of my friends to watch this. So hold on. It’s called Green Acres Syndrome. And I think you got it. Yeah.
So that happens, right? Did she do it? Yeah, she said, oh, yeah. The doctor said, well, who are you going to question? What are you going to say? No, I’m not doing it. Be like, can you explain what the point of this is? I mean, don’t you trust your doctor? The doctor said, okay, get up. I usually don’t. I’m not doing that. Oh, yeah, you would. Walk like a duck. Walk like a duck. Wait, I’m going to play some 50s doo-wop while you do this. Yeah. I’m going to get up my Polaroids and hold on. Is there any chance you could walk like a duck on that mirrored floor over there? That’s not right. That is not right. You said it. Oh, my God. Your weird family with their crazy medical support there. Oh, my God. We were laughing so hard, right? I go, what can beat this story? Nothing. What did your mom say then? Nothing. She was going to pipe up and talk about some crazy ass thing. I think she was on her fifth glass of wine. Oh, okay. Yeah.
She’s mixing her wine with her oxy again, I think. Yeah, exactly. The doctor says, I had to be a pigeon. So you’re like, okay, nothing’s going to pop that. He goes, why aren’t your breasts as tan as your sister’s? I didn’t know what he was talking about. Yeah. Oh, my God. These are horrible stories. It’s horrible. You’re going to need to get some more sun there, Mrs. Tidal. You need a little more vitamin D, if you know what I’m saying. You need the D. You definitely need the D. My aunt dated well into her 80s. Who? Who? wasn’t she married at some point no no no she got divorced after she had 10 kids, the same gentleman. I think there’s a little late on the divorce, though. She probably should have stopped you know a couple just a couple in. Was she the one? She wasn’t the one that sent you postcards, was she? No, that was my great aunt. Oh, okay. That was a great guy i always get confused again um
Yeah. Well, I have a big family. The title family tree is more like a rosebush. Yeah. Yeah. A bunch of pricks. It’s all intertwined and mixed up. It’s all intertwined. Yeah. Yeah. That’s us. Yeah. We’re all remarried. Yeah. Divorced, remarried, a hundred children each. Are you ready for the show? Because your folks had a bunch of kids too. My dad was raised Catholic. Okay. Yeah. my dad actually thought about being a priest when he was young man yeah no all right so you’re ready for the showstopper, right? Oh, sure. Okay. Okay, here comes the showstopper. So my oldest niece is uh husband big dirty jake oh god uh the guy who peed in the slop sink uh yeah many many years ago that you like to remember him by
He goes, wait a minute, I got something. Sloppy Jake used to be his nickname. Yeah, Sloppy Jake. So he’s like, I just had a physical. Yeah. Okay. All right. Typical physical. It’s a lady doctor who he’s never met first time. He got the physical the first time he met this lady doctor. Yes. He had to have a physical done. Okay. And so she’s Checking him out pretty thoroughly. She gets down. Okay, stand up. I’m going to sit in this chair. She starts doing a fairly thorough investigation of Big Jim and the twins. Yeah, little dirty Jake. To the point where now she has basically opened up his pee hole to take a peek inside. What’s in there? I don’t know. This is true. This is not made up. This is a true story. This is not even me being weird and making this up. This was a true conversation. Did it wink at her or make…
Like flapping sounds or something? Well, first of all, he goes, yeah, she was opening the curtains. He was going to say, yeah, that snake spits, lady, so be careful. So we’re all like, why would she do that? Why would she want to… Maybe it looked funny. Did it have any crusty or anything? She was like a ventriloquist or something. I don’t know. Hello, my name is Nikki. Yeah, that’s weird. I mean, maybe it looked inflamed, perhaps. You know, I didn’t ask. I don’t know. I just assumed that he was okay. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever had a doctor get that close on the examination. Yeah. Be that interested in my urethra. well i i didn’t have that, but i had to get a physical a long time ago for a thing, and um this guy got really interested in a birthmark that’s on my inside of my leg. And I mean, he was like leaning all the way in. It was very uncomfortable for me. Yeah. I mean, the whole thing was uncomfortable, but especially when all of a sudden he’s like at a
you know, what i would call a doctorly distance and then the next thing you know, he leans all the way in to where his nose is almost touching me. Okay. On the inside of my leg, like on my leg by my groin. I’m going to put my tongue on it. Now, listen. And if my tongue sticks, it’s cancerous yeah whenever he said, he looked up and he said, you know, the snozzberries taste like snozzberries. You know, let me numb up the area, okay? Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb, numb, numb. No, he was, yeah, and he was pawing at it and he was like, he’s pinching it. And I was like, I started like leaning back. Yeah, it was weird. Leaning back, taking it all in. No, I was trying to get away. I was very uncomfortable. I couldn’t imagine if he would have took my,
penis and started adjusting my pee hole. Excuse me, sir. This is not a shirt collar. I’m going to take this pencil eraser. This is what I’m going to do. I can imagine that Big Dirty Jake has got Maybe he’s got like, you know, a big pee hole. You know, I didn’t ask. I don’t know. Like a larger than average size pee hole. I don’t know. That did not come up in conversation. Did the doctor say, I bet this thing is like 25 French? Maybe. Yeah. They measure everything in French, you know. I would not know that. No. I was joking. I was like, you know, giving the doctor like an accent. Like, oh, you’re more of an innie than an outie. You’re like, oh. You know, like I don’t even work here. You know, I was saying stuff like that. You go, big dirty Jake, you need to shake the lily. Shake the water off the lily when you’re done. That’s the worst dentist I’ve ever had.
So that was the piece de resistance, huh? Yeah, that was building. It was like building. So there’s like a rectal exam. And your mom was like, my labia. No, my mom had no stories to actually kick into that. Oh, really? I’m surprised. She was yelling at me playing cards. He was a medical professional or still is. I don’t know. She’s retired. Yeah. yeah i know i’m just saying but she’s you know no stranger she could have shed some light on the whole peel situation no she could have turned around and said well she was too busy yelling at me playing cards while you were playing or yeah i was just nice i was you don’t play out of turn you know you play you know a certain game i was playing out of turn multiple times and like twice paying attention
Like, I’m almost getting slapped in the face. Stupid, stuttering jerk. You basically were continually trying not to make eye contact with Big Dirty Jake. Yeah, I know. He was like, Miles. Eye raping me. The one you see is Dr. As soon as he’s like, yeah, I had a physical, and then she started fondling my pee hole. I go, was that extra? and you’re like, your eyes like go to the ceiling, go to the floor. You ever see spongebob whenever they have their yeah yeah everything’s all awkward. So anyone out there that can answer these medical questions, you’re welcome to certainly google it i suppose i don’t know. Or if you’ve had a weird medical procedure that you’d like to share, I mean, you’re welcome to come on the show, I guess. Miles is soliciting. We’d like to talk to 18 to 20-year-old ladies about their weird medical problems. Or if you’re Big Dirty Jake, like a truck driver like Jake. Maybe you just had some lint, you know? Lint?
you get lint up your hair a little little fuzz off his underwear is stuck there and she’s trying to get it off of there you know uh that’s never happened to me i can tell you that i don’t i i don’t know i mean you know who knows what happens i’m just imagining big dirty jake’s pee hole to be like an elephant’s trunk for some reason i’ve I, you know, I didn’t ask. I did not inquire. Pick up peanuts and toss them around or something. I don’t know. I just assume he’s hung like a, you know, a three-year-old like me, basically. He’s not related to you though. No, he’s not blood related to me. Yeah. It’s what I’m saying. Yeah. Yeah. Who knows what going on there? So if you’re a medical professional, I’m sure half of our listeners are medical professionals. Yeah.
Maybe CB would know. Didn’t he have some kind of tangential job to the medical profession? He was… I don’t know. He was like a transcriptionist or something. Oh, okay. Whatever. No, I don’t know what the hell he did. Oh, my goodness. Well, so your mom didn’t react. You were all upset. What was that? Are you still sucking on that freeze thing? I’m sorry. I just wanted to make sure that wasn’t a big dirty Jake’s pee hole slamming shut. I’m trying to odd squishy, weird sucky sound. Oh my God. everybody’s gonna be okay though huh yeah everyone everyone’s all done. I think. Well, that’s good. I’m glad. Yeah. No hemorrhoid stories or anything. I hope not. No, I kind of stopped there. Yeah. Okay. Well, that wraps it up then.