Cheer Wolf | Static Radio

Bob can’t go out at night anymore, while Miles puts his high school rival in its place.

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Ow, fuck. Holy fuck, right in the ear. Jesus fucking Christ. Ow. I’m fucking deaf. Holy Christ. You turned too low before. Now you’re deaf. You can’t make up your mind. Holy Christ. Oh, my God. Oh, get off my nuts. Get off my nuts, man. Get out of here. hey everybody, welcome to snake show this is bob hey everyone this is miles with static Radio. Miles the super savvy. Off my nuts, man, Jesus. What is going on there? No, it’s just a personal thing going on. I live with goats, and they like to walk all over my testicles. And testicles. And I have alpha titus. My midgets love testicles. Well, happy Dr. Reverend Martin Luther King Day. Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Day. Yep, that’s about it. Yeah, happy MLK Day to you. To everyone.
Everybody. Everybody. Everybody listening. Not just for the cool kids. For everybody. Yeah. Even the dorks, you know. What? Even the dorks, you know, they can enjoy it. Yes, even for the dorks. Dorks, all the computer nerds. Yeah, all the computer nerds, unlike yourself that’s right we had we’ve had quite the evening here. Yeah, yeah. And unfortunately, his wife as well yeah who has you know you know whenever she’s wiping your butt, when you get a little older, a couple, about three, four years, she’ll be like, this is easier The woman’s already given me an enema. So really at this point, I’m not even. Oh my gosh. I’m not even going to. Yeah. Romantic thing. It was Valentine’s day, 1989. And we liked it. And she’s like, look, what’s look what I got free with my Walgreens points.
I had to have a procedure done a long time ago and she helped me clean out. So what? I thought you were always cleaned out. That’s the thing. No, I had to have a procedure done and she had… You practically sound like an empty tanker truck most of the time. Yeah, I know. No, I’m recording now. Quiet. There’s no talking. Go get my fleet Enema kit, please. Thank you. She’s already done some really gross stuff. I’m filling some peanuts that haven’t shifted. Yes. She’s done some gross stuff with two children. She has tended to my sebaceous cysts. Multiple? Plural. Do you have names for them? Yeah, I do actually. Site A and Site B. Yeah, okay. It’s neither here nor there. Secret bases in Antarctica. We call them Site A and Site B. Yeah. Oh, nice. A’s kind of gone dormant now. I hope there’s no Site C. I hope not either. A has gone dormant?
A is going dormant, but B is starting to grow. Oh, no. It looks like a marble under my skin. Oh, my Lord. Someday I’ll go on the beach and be like… Why do you have to be on the beach for this to happen? I don’t know. Maybe the sun rips it open. Oh, really? I have no clue on this. No, I don’t know. This is all news to me. You got to want it. You got to want it. Does she have a scalpel? Maybe she could cut it. No, just teeth. Oh, my Lord. Maybe she should just get a melon baller. A juicer. She puts a juicer. Honey, a knife, a meat skewer, and a roll of paper towels. Who wouldn’t enjoy that? Yeah. Who wouldn’t? Yeah. What are you like a bunch of monkeys over there picking nits off each other? Jesus. No. Like the first time she did it though, she screamed out. She goes, Oh my God, it’s coming out three different holes at once. I remember the three hole story. Yeah. Yeah. That is. Yeah. I’ll never forget that. War of the worlds or something. I don’t know. Yeah. Everyone. I was like, wow. Mr. And Mrs. Schmingy in New Jersey.
It’s coming out of three holes, everyone. Look, we’ve got confirmation. That was before cell phones. We have no evidence that that actually happened. I’m sure the evidence was all over the place. Yeah, there was DNA. Yeah. Anyway, people don’t want to hear this. I’m sure they don’t. At this point, everyone’s tuned out. Yeah, all your techie friends are like, out, out, dump, dump, dump. We’re not listening to… You know, oozings from people’s bodies. Yeah. Yeah. Especially Miles Title’s body oozing. Right. Something like Guy, you talked to last week. He’s like, I’m not going to listen to this. Right. We’re just talking about dickfoot and stuff. All you guys say is balls deep. Balls deep. I haven’t said that for a few weeks. I know. I’m just saying if they go back and listen. I know. I don’t like to go back to old material, though. I don’t like that.
Always new, always fresh. Always fresh. We’re always talking about fresh stuff. Fresh and new. I’m trying to decide what story I’m going to talk about. Are you going to go with a story? I’ll give you the choice. Me playing with myself? Do you want to hear about wildlife or do you want to hear about home improvement? Man, God damn it. Oh, I like your wildlife stories a little bit better, I guess. Unless you are hurt in the home improvement. No, I’m not hurt in either one of them, thank God. Okay. So maybe you won’t like either one of them at this rate. I won’t. They’re going to suck. So have I told you about the wolf sighting? No. Oh, okay. Well, let’s see. This is all new.
for you. All right, we’ll bring it on, Cork. Yeah, exactly. A wolf. So, a couple of three years ago, thereabouts, I was driving in the country between little towns, and I saw a wolf running across the field, like full speed, full tilt. Okay. And it ran in front of my car. All right. And it ran from, you know, one field over into the woods. Okay. And I came home and i’m like, you won’t believe it. I was driving and this wolf ran in front of my car. Oh, that you’re so full of shit. Yeah. There’s no wolves here. It was a Husky. It was, it had to be a coyote. I’m sure. Right. Right. I’m like, no, no, it was a wolf. And they’re like, yeah, it’s corky was a wolf exactly
and they’re like, no, no, no. So I’m like, whatever. So then probably about, this is pre-Christmas. So, you know, back here, my wife starts, we’re both home. My wife starts yelling. Oh my gosh. I think there’s a wolf in the backyard. I told you i told you. And I was busy. I was busy. And I’m like, what? And she’s like, well, it’s either a really muscular coyote or a wolf. And so I tried to get up to see it. It’s gone. So then I’m like, we have a little, you know, I have a little time. And I said, I bring up a picture of a coyote and I bring up a picture of a wolf. And I go, which one was it? She’s like, it was the wolf. What? Yes, it was the wolf. So we had a wolf in the backyard.
You mean I was exposed to danger potentially when I was there at your house, like there’s been wolves and stuff. What are you talking about? We got danger around here constantly, like 24-7. No, no one told me this. Why? So, you know, I talked about last week how I like to check the cameras. Mm-hmm. I caught my brother-in-law, you know. He saw his dog. Nature was calling for him, yeah. Yeah, he saw his dog. So I was checking the cameras. Yeah. And there’s foxes here. We’ve got several foxes. And they’re dancing around my camera. So that and foxes and the way the cameras. But my wife swears because she showed me and there was paw prints out in the snow that look like wolf paw prints outside of our windows. And so now I am deathly afraid of being outside at night because
I think that I’m going to get attacked by a wolf. Oh, we don’t want that. Yeah, come on. So tonight, I was out late. I sent you a picture from the steak and the shake. Yeah. I was just being silly. And so we got home really late because we were out doing stuff. And then I come in and I have to unload the car because we got some things. I couldn’t shut the garage door with the van all open. So I’m out in the garage constantly turning around waiting for there to be a wolf to bite me. I swear that I’ve been plagued now with fear to be outside after dark because of this wolf. Oh, I don’t even want to come to your yard anymore. I’m like, man. I know. It was wild. It was weird. But nothing happened. I mean, I’m okay. Nothing happened. Wow. For real, though. I can’t believe it. I’m so freaked out. I saw the wolf. For years, I’ve been running around out in the dark here. And now, all of a sudden, it’s in the yard. And my wife tells me. And now, I can’t even function. I’m like, is there going to be a wolf there? I can’t leave the garage door open. Oh, there’s going to be a wolf in the garage.
Well, if you’re playing bingo, let me see. Bob has seen the Thunderbird, a UFO, and now a wolf, apparently. In that order. Have I seen a Thunderbird? I haven’t seen a Thunderbird, have I? Well, I’m sure that’s coming next week. Hey, man, I was on steak and shake, dude. So, yeah. So, I didn’t see the wolf in the yard yet. I’m hoping. It’s too bad you’re such a weirdo and you don’t talk to your neighbors because you probably go to the neighbors and say, hey, did you see a freaking wolf? I know you would never talk to your neighbors. Yeah, exactly. My neighbors would go, Bob. Who are you? What the fuck are you doing over here? That’s the way they all talk. All my neighbors talk like that. Every one of them. I’m the only one that’s not, you know,
Yeah. That doesn’t have a real dirty baseball cap and tobacco in their mouth. Yeah, I get that feeling like you shouldn’t have effed with someone you shouldn’t have effed with. Where’s my banjo? Like that old El Camino. Right, yeah. I don’t know. But yeah, I’m frozen with fear now. Yeah, I would too. Jesus. So yeah, I’m hoping to catch this on the camera now my wife pointed out and i saw this big paw print in the yard in the snow and so i i was you know i’ve been looking through the camera footage and i haven’t found anything yet and now she’s telling me it’s a skinwalker so i’m even more oh god now yeah now she’s getting in your head with this like oh shut so yeah i need you to come down
Before it gets to be too late and I need to put you in wolf patrol out there. Yeah, you’re going to tie me to a post. I’m like, okay. Scream a little. Let’s put your snake around your neck, Miles, and have you walk the perimeter. Let me go. I’ll be like 10 dancing in Creepshow or something like that. Get me out of here. So, but anyway, yeah, I was… It was… Really? I was i’m constantly looking over my shoulder at night. I’m like, I can’t even take the garbage out now after dark. I would be a little freaked out. Yeah. Potentially. uh the freaking wolf. Jesus. Yeah. How much do you have? Uh, well, I don’t know i’ll divulge this. You have just a little bit of timber here yeah we got the, yeah, there’s a few acres of timber i’m gonna say how much timber is there?
Well, it’s mine or it’s everybody’s. I mean, there’s more people. Well, I mean, if you add it up like everybody’s all together, how much timber is there? Oh, there’s probably at least a good 10 acres or more. Wow. Okay. Maybe more than that. I mean, if you go all the way around, because there’s also water, you know, there’s a lake. Weren’t you going to build some path in there at one time? You were like, I don’t know. So I’m playing Miles’ title when it comes to building the path. Yeah. I can’t do that yet. No, it’s not the right time honey well sometimes sometimes sometimes yeah eventually yeah there may eventually be a path. I mean, you can get down there, but it’s not easy. Right. If you’re a wolf, it’s easy. If you’re a
muskrat, which we do have muskrats in the yard too. Susie and Sam, was it? Muskrat Susie. The song that my wife refuses to believe is a song. She never heard that song or no? No, I had to introduce her to that. I was singing it one day. She’s like, what the F are you singing? I’m singing the wolf song. It’s muskrat. Bob hungry like the wolf. Useless like wine. Swinging on a vine. I’m paralyzed with fear by this wolf in my yard. I’m rooting for the wolf, to tell you the truth. Yeah, I know. You want me to have an encounter here. Oh, that’d be a great story. I’m hoping to… to catch some footage of the wolf. If I do, I would like to have him take the big, like meaty chunk out of your legs. So that’d make it like a great story. The funny thing was when my wife saw the wolf, she had her phone with her, but she takes no picture. She takes no picture. And then, you know, she’s like, you know, and I’ve seen weird stuff and I didn’t take pictures. She’s like, well, you take a picture. Now she knows it just happens. You’re like, you can’t believe it. It’s like, oh my gosh, is that a wolf in my yard?
Oh, now it’s real. Yeah, now it’s real. Yeah, now it’s real. Well, what you saw wasn’t a wolf, but this was. Right, exactly. Yeah, because you’re an idiot. Yeah, you can’t. Well, you know how it goes. Yeah, yeah. So what’s happening with you? Oh, man, I was going to go on this story about the dream I had about you, but I’m going to think I’m going to skip that one. Oh, no. Did it have anything to do with a wolf? No, it didn’t. No, like, you wanted me to go to, like, some really lame, like, high-tech-y, like, trade show thing i’m like this is lame man who the half goes to these things it wasn’t an interesting story somebody’s getting that i would go it was it was lame it was really lame yeah uh you know so like i don’t know what it was like a month two ago or something i said i was berating you know children and yeah you were making fun of kids who like
The green Bay Packers. Yeah. Like children. I didn’t even know, like I was actually taunting them and making them feel bad and stuff like that. Yeah. I swore. I go, I’m never, I’m never doing this again. I’m not going to do it again. The best part of you is on Lambeau field. Yep. That’s right. And, uh, well, you know, me being me, you know, I, I have to, yes, I have to break down. And so I was up by my niece’s house this weekend and there was kind of a… Oh, you were mooching off your niece again? Not as much as you would think. No, but yes, I was there. Oh, did you like spring for something? Hey everybody, Uncle Miles is buying pizza. No, I mean, I didn’t sponge off a little bit, but I mean, I’ve got to do what I do. That would be disappointing if I didn’t.
Yeah, they might be… Now they’re listening to the show now. They’re actually liking that they’re on the show. Oh, really? Okay. Well, now this is your payment. You got to say, my niece is so nice that she lets me spend days without contributing an ounce of money or work at her place. Are you… now you’re quiet or you i lose you now? I think i lost him. We’ll never know what he’s going to talk about. Hello. There you are. You better accept me. It’s all right. I haven’t dropped off in quite a while. Yeah, go ahead you you just fell off for a minute there what’s so you know there’s you know it’s like a impromptu big family get together thing and it’s going to happen. And, uh, people are in and out of the house and this and that. And, uh, my, what would be my great nephew, my great nephew, he little bit of a player here. He’s always has like a new, always has a new one in the corral, you know what I’m saying? You know? And, uh, you know, I’m always hearing about the, these young ladies, you know, this and that. And, uh,
So, I thought, well, I’ll just be an asshole, you know, and just, you know, see what happens. And so, the next thing I know, he’s like, oh, yeah, my girlfriend is here, uncle. I go, is this that one that, it’s like she’s 21 and something, she does stuff or something? He’s like, oh, yeah. What? What do you mean she’s 21 and does some stuff? What do you mean? Well, whatever. Whatever kids do. And kind of a quiet girl. Very nice girl, but very quiet. So quiet. This is my… Because there’s a bunch of little towns around there. None of these you’re going to know. So I’m just going to change it to New York town so everyone can get a feel of what I’m going to say here. So…
She’s like, oh, well, my name is Brooklyn. For instance, I’m making this up, but I go, Brooklyn, huh? I go, what’s your brother’s name? Manhattan? Yeah. Silence. Silence. Silence. Yeah. I go, what’s your uncle’s name? Utica? I mean, yeah, there’s no response. Like, dead air. Like, man, like… My uncle’s name is White Plains. I’m like, oh man, know your audience, Miles. Know your audience. She didn’t know Manhattan or she just didn’t think you were funny? I named off a local town and it was like crickets. Maybe she’s not as… worldly as you. I thought at 21, you know, apparently she’s not in our demographic. Mr. Tidal’s nephew, whatever, uncle. I think young blonde girls in winter beanie caps are not in our demographic, I don’t think. I don’t. I don’t. How do you like desserts? Yeah.
you’re a size six. Your name’s cupcake. Uh, it was your brother twinkie my name’s froston you know where froston goes so i was anyway anyway she i like well where are you from? Right. So she names off this little town and, uh, Brooklyn apparently. Brooklyn. No, she, no, she’s not actually Brooklyn. It’s not my children where they were conceived. Yeah. One of those weird things. Like, yeah, this is highway 61 right here. And this is a 34 coming up. This is four corners. We were on vacation. This is black top right here. Yep. And, uh, uh, this is Loch Ness. Honey. Yeah. this is turtle creek right here her cousin and uh there’s old grandpa. Pothole number five out on highway 101. Old grandpa dead end right here there you go yeah and so i go what where are you from? So she mentions off this little town and like, this little town like used to like whip our ass and like
basketball all the time, like back in the day. Oh, really? Okay. I’m like, wait, where are you from? She goes, well, I’m from. Wait a minute. I’m from, you know, pukipsy you know, or something i’m like you suck you suck you suck boo like oh my gosh and uh the rumors even getting quieter now. Like, oh, man. Like, really? Like, this is tanking wrong with you? i know. I’m like berating this poor girl. I’ve never met this lady before my life down on my assholeness for this. Yeah, like she’s just like not making eye contact with anyone. She’s like totally like looking at the carpet like, okay, no. Oh my gosh. Did you explain to her that’s a rivalry or no i explained to her she’s like i’m like no there’s best you know basketball yeah that is a round ball. You play it yeah
And so being a jerk mansplaining, well, basketball is played with a round ball. It’s inflated. Meanwhile, no. So I go, you used to have the apple baskets where the baskets and they knock. Right. And so I actually knew what their old cheer was. So I start doing it. Cheers. You know, tickle this, pinch that. And I get done and she’s like, uh, what? I go, so I do it again thinking, well, if I do it again, maybe that will. She couldn’t hear me. But let me do it again. You know, like when you’re talking to foreign people, you talk louder. Hello. Oh, wait, let me go get my cheerleading outfit on and I’ll do that on. That’ll help you. The boots don’t quite fit anymore. Hold on. The knee high boots I used to wear in cheering. And so I do it again and like no response. I go, don’t, don’t they do this anymore? Like, no.
No, it’s a great cheer. Why do they not do that? Sir, I don’t know. Sir, I’m sorry, sir. At this point, my great nephew is cracking up. Dayton Peppermint Patty or something? Sir, I’m sorry. I don’t know the cheer, sir. You blockhead. Peppermint Patty. Marcy and Peppermint Patty. What is that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I feel you. I feel you. I know what you’re talking about. Okay, never mind. Oh, my great-nephew’s, like, cracking up because he knows, like, I’m tanking. Guys, how old are you? I’m old enough to have a great fucking nephew. Yeah, I know. That’s banging chicks every weekend, yeah. Like a bunch of pregnant 12-year-olds over there. Oh, my God. This kid’s like a man-whore, I’m telling you. Enough with the new girls. All these…
All your female relations get knocked up by the time they’re 15. Yeah, no, fool it. I’m like, Jiminy Christmas. I’m a 45-year-old great-grandma. Can you believe it? This kid gets more action in one month than I have in my whole life. You know what I’m saying? I’m like, Jiminy Christmas. This kid is like… This kid’s got some game going. I’m like, Jiminy Christmas. Did he understand anything that you… mentioned? Everyone was high. Everyone was laughing at me the whole weekend. I swear everyone must have been high. Everyone thought I was the most funniest guy. But not her, apparently. Yeah. Not her, no. Did you ever crack that nut? No. She quietly disappeared somewhere. She did not go to the main party later that night. She didn’t get anything. Brooklyn, Manhattan, that’s hilarious.
Actually, he wasn’t there either, now that I think about it. Oh, wow. There you go. Guess what? Yeah. I am not going to hang out with that man. I don’t know who that man is, but… With his weird cheer, talking about nipples. Clark, I’m not hanging out with that fat piece of shit. You call your uncle. He’s a stupid asshole. you know I used to call me the best French kisser in Kane County still Jeffrey stole my title yeah so well you know everybody’s you know sorry There you go. Sorry, Brooklyn. I’m sorry. I was just trying to be funny and I tanked. I’m sorry. I’m like Pablo, you know, totally tight. Oh, okay. I was trying to figure out how you’re like Pablo in that sense. No, I tanked, you know, I wasn’t. Oh, you tanked. Okay. I think, I think I’m feeling it. I think I know where she’s coming from. Yeah.